Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
