If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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