So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
My bed smells like the plague
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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