I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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