i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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