I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
