Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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