My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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