The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
