Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
