Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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