??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
