I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
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