I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
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