My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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