I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Life is so much better after having sex.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
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