Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
