Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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