You're so nebulous sometimes
I just threw up on my dentist
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
