Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
