it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
