i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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