he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
