the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Randomize
