and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
