so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
