Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
