Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
