Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
