Just fell off a train. Bad.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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