apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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