I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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