i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
