apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Randomize