two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
