i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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