The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
