oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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