Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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