just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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