Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
