if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
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