You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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