I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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