On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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