That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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