Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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