there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
