Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
