so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Lo siento on account of my penis...
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
