Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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