Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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