I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
