I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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