How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
